I’m a 20 something year old woman slowly dragging her tiny feet ever closer to that dreaded unavoidable door number 30.
When I walk I look at the ground a lot to hide myself from the world, but secretly I do want to be noticed, to be respected. And to be loved by those who matter to me. Unfortunately that doesn’t always happen.
Anyway. A big part of who I am is my mixed race heritage (a 4-part cocktail 🍹lol) and the fact that I overthink anything and everything – hence (you guessed it!) the ‘mixed musings’ play on words.
Being mixed and growing up all over, primarily Europe and Africa, has formed the essence of who I am. I am polite with a large helping of side eye. I detest any sort of racism or ignorance. I ramble then go stone cold silent. I love and simultaneously push away. Oh and I could easily give my left arm for crisps, a vanilla latte, ribs, and fried plantain – or cornbeef stew and yam, or steak and kidney pie. Meh now I’m hungry!!
I digress! As much as I love and appreciate my background, throughout life this has always seemed to form other people’s preconceptions and assumptions about me. From beauty to money, body shape to education, accent to hair, vocabulary to fashion, skin colour to perceived poverty or wealth – trust me it never stops. Whether it’s disgust or surprise, it never fails to astound me how much people judge you on your looks or your origins. As you can tell – I’m not a fan!
I am a Christian. This is very important to me – ‘and the greatest of these (commandments) is love’ is a teaching I always try to live my life by. What else. I like dancing and reading. I love writing poems, they are usually quite dark. I also enjoy Eastenders (I can see your judging face!) and shopping. But my absolute favourite things to do have to be eating, catching up with loved ones and napping – ideally with warm comfy boyfriend right beside me 🙂
I work in the soul destroying corporate world. I can’t complain about having a ‘good’ job in this current climate, but I can complain about the 9-5 office framework into which we have been indoctrinated. Pretty sure we were not made to sit in front of computers all day damaging our eyesight and wasting our lives away, but hey ho what do I know!
If you haven’t guessed from the above, I’m struggling a bit with life at the moment. Individually and on a grander scale.
I am trying to understand how the world can be so wretched and yet so beautiful simultaneously. How unconditional love can change to putrid hatred or nonchalant indifference in amatter of second. How it can be boiling hot one day and pissing it down with hailstones the next. How one morning my skin is dewy and faultless whereas the next its tired and blemished. How a man (or woman) can profess love and then proceed to cheat on you in days to come. How in 2016 there are still countries in the world that don’t bloody have constant electricity for heaven’s sake.
How is it possible that my thoughts, and that this world we live in is so extreme? So muddled… so mixed up? I’m hoping writing will help to put this all into context.
In terms of life? Hmm.
I honestly just want to be happy. That’s really all I want.
In terms of this blog? I actually have a proper answer for this ha! I want to explore the questions raised above. To release my constant thoughts, creativity and fears from the prison of my mind in a healthy way, as they are driving me slightly batty. To stop being so shy. To stop being so scared. To share – after all my struggles might resonate with you. To find out your point of view. To determine my own! To find myself and to let myself be free.
To simply be me.